12th March 2014, Journey back home :)

Apart from how my classic situation repeated itself, like at every homecoming - how I reached the station early and the train was late, there's still something about the journey I won't forget. As I was nearing Rampur, (hadn't reached there yet ), dad called me to tell that the train has been announced there and that I should make a move.(Because the train stops for only 2 minutes at Rampur and the prospect of me missing the stop scares him. Very much.) I was annoyed, of course and tired (of course!). I moved out of the cabin, pulled open the iron door (which took some effort) but what followed was something that made me forget the fatigue. I reconsidered being mad at dad :P Rampur station was not to be seen. In fact nothing could be. The night was dark. The breeze was beautiful. I felt it on my face. It felt beautiful. It was nothing short of a situation from a movie, a novel, nothing short of perfect. Me, standing at the door, looking out at things passing by quickly, everything made dull by the dark, except for the few times I could see the railway tracks. It was scary, weird and still great! :D 
The train halted, and I realised I was standing at the wrong door, the platform was on the other, the opposite side. Tried opening the opposite door, but couldn't. Crossed the joint between the two coaches (which scares me. Very much). To my good fortune the "correct" door was already open and I hopped down at the station. 


Till the time you don't find the right door, there's no harm enjoying the view from the "wrong" one :)

You don't have to!

My journeys from Delhi to Rampur ( which is home for a few years) have always been amusing and amusingly, this only applies for the trips way back home... nothing unusual, funny or weird happens when I travel from home to Delhi. Cabs arrive late or not at all, I reach the station early only to find the train is delayed or I catch it DDLJ style - a smiling middle aged lady replacing Raj, which was still good! I've been jeered at and worst of all, a guy once asked me - "Kya aapke pati CRPF me kaam karte hain? ( Does your husband work in CRPF?) For God's sake! I don't look that old! 


This story is one of all those, goes back to the time when I was either in first or second year ( because I remember being scared and pretending that I'm not). Winter. Old Delhi railway station. It was around 11 in the morning. The train was delayed and there wasn't an option but to wait. To my good fortune and surprise, one of the benches were vacant! Yes! ( If you've been there, you know how unusual it is).  I sat down, observing the platform and people around. This decent looking guy ( ok, good looking guy! ) comes and sits besides me and strikes up a conversation. ( For all those friends who KNOW me : No, I didn't have a crush on this guy).


He : Student?
Me: Yes
He : What course?
Me : B.A. Programme, 1st/ 2nd year
He : I'm in Eco, 3rd year, interning at (some well known company which I forgot).
He lists out these particulars smugly. I just smile, which is what I do in any situation.
He : Which college?
Me : St. Stephen's.. You?
He : ( in a changed tone now ) DDU.. Waise DU ke toh saare colleges achhe hain. (All the colleges in DU are good!)

I don't know what, his changed tone or the explanation, but something triggered my laughter, and I tried my best to stifle it, not to seem rude.

What followed was just unfortunate. Unfortunate.

*spat* 
A pigeon pooped on my jacket.
I was expecting a divine voice to announce : You don't have to be like them, little one.. You don't have to.

No divine announcement followed, but I got the point.
Lesson in humility learnt.

Why did she cry?

But why? Why did she cry? 
Was being a girl her fault, or being the second one was, 
For the name and "pride" was not to be carried forward? 
Why, why did she cry? 
Because to be loved, she had to be docile, 
Submission, forgetting herself for a while, 
For a very long while... 
Because to become everyone's favourite, 
She had to burn herself and shine, 
Carrying the burden of expectations and pressure, 
She evolved into a lady, just fine. 
While the world praised what she had made herself into , by her determination and hard work; 
How she touched lives around with her kindness, 
How she made people around happy 
And brightened their lives with her smile, 
How she valued people, sentiments and relations 
How much she cared about everything - yes everything. 
But herself. 
Her soul, beyond the world's sight 
Her soul, like an unkempt, dried up garden 
Crumbling down, hurt; 
Waited for showers, healing and love.. 
The weeds of fear, grew stronger each day, 
The seasons changed, the fears changed, but they didn't go away.. 
Nor did the pain. 
She sought love, 
But mistaken as she was- outside herself, 
Forgotten she had to love herself.. 
For every time she tried, 
She got nothing but a scar. 
Somewhere deep inside 
It ran through her mind 
That the soul is often defeated from the flesh, 
That care was rarely noticed, let be appreciated 
That even suffering is now inevitable. 
"If the painful screams inside my head ever escape, 
They'll shatter the glasses around the world, or maybe just the city?" 
She'll say this to herself, laugh and sigh. 
So, what made her cry? 
The emotional and worldly failures? 
Rejection? 
The despair of giving and not getting? 
Ignorance? 
Bereavement? 
Betrayal? Inability to forgive? 
The pressure to stay calm, smile and pretend its all fine? 
Or will be one day? 
That one day, the fairy tale will come true? 
Hopelessness? Helplessness? 

She tries, still tries.. 
To fix herself, fight her fears, to heal her soul.. 
To love herself, inspite all.. 
To reach the end, achieve her goal.. 
She crawls on her way, sees the speeding passers by.. 
Laughs and tells herself - 
"I'm a slow learner to the lessons of life" 

But, that is how- by going slow, she was, without knowing, 
Was learning more, growing more, absorbing more of life, 

Maybe, one day, she'll learn to love herself 
One day, she'll discover a new way, or better, make one of her own, 
One day, she'll find what she has yearned for- all these years.. 
And finally, she'll realise, it was all worth her tears :) 

Mom and the Moonlight :)

Racing through the day, 
when sun beats down on you 
Meeting hurdles, defeat, disappointment 
And when you feel blue 
When you need someone to pour out your heart, listen to your plight 
You are reminded of Mom, and the moonlight! 

How they calm down your restless soul 
Shower love, beauty and peace 
When you're empty, they fill you up 
Put your tensed nerves at ease 
Provide you a refuge, respite 
Mom, and the moonlight! 


When you wander in the concrete jungles 
With strangers, who are deaf to your mind and heart 
Your soul aches for that gentle touch, that comforting glance 
And you wish you were not apart 
How they take away your worries, however big they be might.. 
Mom and the moonlight! 

They are always by your side, in the times of need 
Though their presence, unnoticed it goes 
They pull you out of the dark dungeons of despair 
Inspire you to fight, and win over your woes 
After all that they do, they are still gentle, quiet 
Mom, and the moonlight! :)

The Seasons at Stephen's

The season of entering

A territory unknown

The one you always dreamed of

Is now for you to call your own

For a time that passes by

In a blink of an eye

Or if you choose

Forever

The season of hesitation

You scan everything in awe

Try to take in as much as you can

Give out a little, for the fear of no reciprocation

Adjustments come without saying

Judgements without asking

If fortunate, friendships also follow

And the true ones will follow

till the end.

The season of homesickness

You just can’t wait to get back

Count days, mark calendars

And get ready with your backpacks!

The idea of staying away from home

Seems daunting

You call yourself a misfit

Oblivious of the future

That you’ll find a home here, too.

The season of newly found courage

Of the realisation – you are free!

To adopt a mould, make a new one or break away!

You open up, in time’s passage.

People become important,

You find favourites!

Expectations – obvious

Disappointments?

Comes with the package.

The season of downfall

Your faith quivers

Faith in God, your aims

Yourself

It seems a good option, at times

To run away from it all.

But you persist

And rightly so

Because so many avenues are still open!

With arms wide open, with promises of beautiful destinations

And it will be foolish to turn around!

The season of hope

You glue your broken pieces together

You work hard, learn and grow up!

Whatever comes your way,

You are now equipped to cope!

Experience comes with a little heartbreak

And if you don’t stop moving on

Success will tag along

Soon

(Maybe not in a way you thought it would)

The season of abundance-

Of reasons

Of joys, laughter and smiles

Of friends and plans and things to do

(Of extremes too)

Boredom will seldom find a chance!

The feeling will slowly start creeping in

That you run slow while the time runs fast

That these days are not to be found again

Not to be bought, for any price you might be willing to pay.

The season of realisations

What? The college is ending?

It was just yesterday we stepped in!

What are we going to do after!

Why all this complication!

Don’t you just want to go back?

Go back! Start again!

Give it another shot! This time the better, the best!

Sorry, time is not paying heed to your petitions!

The season of recollection!

You want to live it all over again!

Memories become you best friends

Creating more becomes your mission!

For the rest of your days here!

Farewells, formalities

Last year, last semester, last lectures

Last fests, last convocation – your convocation! Last GradD!

Last meals! Last meetings, promises of meeting again, last hugs!

As if the ticking clock was not enough.

The inevitable end.

The season of nostalgia, the season of goodbyes

Bunch of bittersweet memories

The time just went by.

Like that.

And I love it all.