Bit by bit

The foggy dusk envelopes, all that the eyes could see. A fiery orange sky gives way to darkness. The Earth revolves, unnoticed.

Bit by bit.

Time goes by, change sets in. 
Unnoticed, at first. Painful.

Bit by bit.

The world, the people go on. Indecisive, frustrated, aimless, lost, dazed. They meet their dwellings, temporarily - to get lost in the maze again, in the crowd. To lose themselves, make themselves into automatons.

Bit by bit.

We are alienated - from our emotions, their expression. Forced to become something we are not. We shield ourselves, take cover of indifference.

Bit by bit.

Ways meet, ways diverge. Distances grow. Bonds die a silent death. Feelings leave,

Bit by bit.

Everyday, the world reveals itself. The picture becomes bigger. Reality becomes harsher, empathy rarer. My heart corrodes, my soul is scraped. My hope begins to give up

Everyday,

Bit by bit.

To ugly is to human?

I never found myself pretty, though I would like to believe that I am beautiful, in an unconventional manner, which has nothing to do with the way I look and everything to do with what I am - what I am as a person and you just can't reach that beautiful person if you have already tagged me on the basis of appearance. Finding that person, knowing her, requires patience, a lot of patience and a lot of time.

Really, I don't think I am pretty or maybe before I could understand what it is to "look" pretty, I was given a certain image, a certain definition of the word to consume, and I could never fit in.

The vessel in which my soul moves is far from perfect and if I start listing the flaws, I may run out of words.

"Oh, you ARE pretty! You just need to dress up properly, maybe a little make up will do. You just don't pay attention to your looks. They are important. That is probably why, you never had a boyfriend!"

( Really? Love me for the comfy-in-trackpants-girl that I am or don't love me at all :P)
Okay, I know the world is shallow and rarely someone will stop to look beyond the outer layer. Its ok. I can wait.

It only happens in reel life and not real life and I'm being too idealistic?
Who knows? I might as well try! 

It got worse when I decided to get my hair cut short (very short) recently...

Friend : You don't look like a girl. Someone will actually think you are a guy and you're traveling in the women's coach of metro! *giggle*

(Ok, I think I'm getting what you are trying to say)

Me : Umm.. Earrings? These dangling earrings?

Friend : Who would notice the earrings? *giggle*

(Ok, now I know what you're trying to say.)

Me : Is it funny?

Friend : Of course, don't you find it funny, Moureena! It is funny! *giggle*

Me : I don't think so.

Friend : Sorry *giggle giggle giggle*

(That not so honest apology probably did more harm than the joke itself)

A brief silence, and then more giggles follow.

Me : Now what?

Friend : Oh I just remembered your episodes of anger during college days.

( Yes, those instances when I chose to speak out my mind, to tell that what you did hurt me, to tell that what you did wasn't acceptable- all this is definitely comic, something that should be laughed at. Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches!)

So there are some standards of being a girl that I don't qualify. Also, expressing your emotions, to your friends, isn't something you should do, you'll probably be laughed at, even months or years later.

That's all you want to experience at the end of a tiring day, isn't it?

Honestly, except some instances, I am very comfortable with however I look- whether the appearance is feminine enough or not. I am comfortable with the imperfections ( Those dark circles? Those are nothing short of medals & I'm proud of them! I earned those, trading my sleep and on a few occasions- tears for sleepless nights, when I worked or read to my heart's content! )

For the people who think the outer cover is imperfect, ugly.. They should not at all try to look beyond, because what lies there is worse. Beyond the skin, rest the imperfections which even scare me and set me in a frenzy to look for help, to find solutions. It is a place where continuous analysis of my past, present and future actions goes on. It is where my fears run amok. It is where the hesitation hides, it is where the confidence drowns. It is where hopes and faith choke and crumble. It is where the thoughts grumble. It is the favourite haunt of regrets. A place where is pain that expectations beget. Where pragmatism ridicules the dreams, where the need of affection screams. Where unwarranted attachment, dependence and selfishness reside.
It is a continuous tussle between the positive and the negative, between overcoming and giving up.It is a dark, ugly place very few people are familiar with.
Behind the veil of spring, it is a cold desert where it rains everyday. 

And still, in its entirety, it is a part of me. It is something I live with, something I encounter everyday. Something that pushes me to build myself, that teaches me to fight.

If to err is to human, is being imperfect, being ugly human too?

I would like to believe so. All this ugliness, this imperfection, this tussle makes me what I am. 

It makes me human and I'm learning to accept myself, as a whole,too.

Mistaking streetlight for the sun

It was a usual, boring rickshaw ride from metro station to Kamla. I was doing my usual, favourite thing - looking around and inevitably, involuntarily making faces whenever the rickshaw crossed one of those awful speed breakers. 
While the rickshaw moved on and I was peeking out, I was happy with the fact that the Sun was still up.
Wait. No.
I mistook a street light for the sun!
I laughed at my faulty perception.
And because of the surprising ways my brain works, I suddenly realised -
Mistaking streetlight for the Sun, isn't that something I've done before? Isn't that something all of us do, at some point of time or the other?
Mistaking the unimportant for the important? Or maybe, exaggerating a problem, which might not be that severe as we make it to be?
Perception makes all the difference!

Ordeal

I am

In the middle of a tunnel-
Damp, dark
A long way I've come
Oblivion,
Haunts me
The end
I cannot see.

A speck of light
I yearn for
To make way to me
Through the dust storm.

I'm bogged down
Smeared with dirt
I bleed
Carrying on seems
Too big a deal
It exhausts me
To even breathe
I choke, I shiver
My thoughts have drained me
Its hard to believe
that the dreams I cherished
Are no longer with me
Hues have left my imagination
Its all grey
Its a cold desert
As far as I see

I carry on
Its a steep climb.

A leap of faith
For a goal unknown-

For the borrowed dreams

And the lack of my own
For a dazed consciousness
For the clarity gone,
For numerous voices
Inside my head
that play havoc-
Credit to them for the indecisiveness

For I can't decide
Which road to tread
The beaten path,
The one not taken
Or leave a trail

I walk alone,
monotonously
Carry on
This ordeal.