What's in a name?

Sometime between 1999 - 2002
Kendriya Vidyalaya
National Security Guards
Manesar

"So, today's home assignment is that each one of you will ask the meaning of your name from your parents, ok? Find the meaning of your names!" Announced the teacher. For some of the students, it wasn't even a lot of work, but I was rather disappointed. 

"Mom, what does my name mean?" I pestered my mother with this question. In response she didn't have the answer, but a story - "Moureena was my classmate, she was a brilliant student. So much so, she got a scholarship to study abroad. It was a big thing back in those days. We named you after her. "

But this didn't answer my question and Moureena would not go to school without completing her homework. No. Finally, my mom gave in and invented a meaning for my name. "Knowledge, Moureena means knowledge." She said. It made me happy. Very happy. 

I don't know about knowledge, but I was definitely good at learning. I was doing well at school and my teacher happily accepted that my name colud mean 'knowledge'!

2009
K.V. Pinjore

Another place, another school. I was the new kid in class. You know what kind of responses new students generate in a class, don't you? A new kid is looked at with the same curiosity and amazement what a little kid would show when he or she visits zoo for the first time and sees the animals from her/his textbook come alive in 3 dimensions!

Games period. The class is out in the playground and I'm posed with the usual question -
"What's your name?" 
"Moureena"
"Morni?"
Roaring laughter followed. 

I swear if for every time I was asked what my name means or my name was pronounced wrong or it was misspelled, I earned a rupee, I would have bought Antilla (and made better use of the place it occupied, it is one of the least good looking buildings ever!)

By this time I knew that my name didn't mean 'knowledge' ( though that was a good one, Mom! :D ). I took up to the internet, and was given more answers than I could take. 

"Moureena... Maureen.. Irish root... 'Star of the sea'.. a title used for Mother Mary... Mary means rebellious..."

Oh, so the root of my name is Maureen, which is an Irish name and means star of the sea which is a title used for Mother Mary? Amazing!

This happened to me in the days I considered being religious as a virtue and could I be happier?

I had a new, 'exotic' answer to this question until 3rd year of college happened. After that, I liked the meaning lesser than before. 

2014
Rau's IAS Study Circle
Delhi

"What's your name?"
"Moureena"
"Oh, that's a lovely name. What does it mean?"
(Not again, man! Not again!)
"I'm not sure what it means, it has an Irish root."
"Oh, I have a friend in Ireland, I'll ask him."
"Okay."
"He says it doesn't mean anything in particular, its just a Catholic name."
"Oh, okay. Thank you."

Another day, another person, same question :

"What does your name mean, Moureena?"
"I don't know. "
"Oh, let me search for it on google."
"Do you think I have not done that before?"
"Let me do it again."

She couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer either. 

"Told you, I've done it all. It is a Catholic name, doesn't mean anything in particular."
( To myself : What are you saying? You're not even Catholic!
As long as this girl shuts up and I can focus on the lecture again, anything would work.)

The girl smiles sheepishly.

What does my name mean? I remember one of the results said 'Mary means rebellious'. Yes, rebellious. My own self rebels against me at times and I wonder how difficult it must be to live inside this body with this mind. Rebellious, to the extent that even my ideas and dreams don't have my back at times. Definitely, it has to be rebellious. 

I hope it does mean rebellious, but doesn't stop just at that. I hope it is the kind of rebellious which won't give up in any kind of adversity. More than rebellious, I hope it also means courageous. Courage is my favourite word, I really hope my name means that too. Courage to just live up to my own expectations, courage to do good, courage to transcend mediocrity, courage to build myself an exemplary life!

And, most importantly, the courage to live up to my name. I hope I do. 

Evening walk

"The church has been renovated, do you want to come and have a look?" Dad asked me. 

"Chalo" I replied, trying my best to bluff interest in this activity. But I really wanted to go. There's hardly any time we spend together. Not just because I was living in a different city, but because times changed and with it changed the ways in which we allocated our time. 

Since yesterday, I couldn't help but go back to the times all four of us - Mom, Dad, my sister and I- we lived together (in the same city, in the same house!), visited Jalandhar together, even played together in cases of long power cuts. I even brought some instances up, but all he could do was say a 'Yes' now and then and confirm that those days actually happened. 

We walked together. None of us had much to say. We talked about the journey we undertook yesterday and that we will on this wednesday. I recalled the little girl who had to almost run to catch up to his walking pace. I no longer had to do that. Age made him slower? I would not like to believe that! How could that happen? It has not been that long! While walking, I no longer hold his finger either or chatter about my day at school or sing the songs I learnt in the music class - that used to be a routine a couple of  years back (Poor things - my parents, they had to listen to those songs over and over again. They never complained.) 

We reached the church. I looked around but my mind was still swimming in the reverie. I hardly noticed anything. We walked back in the same quiet manner, hardly interrupting the silence. We passed by a lamp post and the shadows formed of us were of the same length. 'Illusion.. I still can't catch up to him. Never. For he has experienced more of life than me.' I wondered. 

We reached back home. "It looks good, better." I tell mom in an absent minded manner. She says something which I didn't quite register. 

The concept of time and how it changes us. How people shrivel up, get caught up in the trap of life, how important things get looked over, escapes become lucrative. The need of being cared and loved doesn't change, but ways to show affection do get scantier. 

Or maybe, its just great expectations!

The journey within and the journey without!

Have you ever found yourself in such a mess, in such disharmony and discontent that you want to find a switch to turn off your ever active, ever analysing (and over analysing), ever thinking (and over thinking) mind, you want to step out of your body and breathe or want to fast forward time so that you don't have to go through what is happening?

Well, I am currently experiencing all of this and my ever discontented self keeps on looking for ways to rise above this- ways in which I can restore the harmony or ways of escape.

But then, I don't know at what point of time, I forgot the ways to restore harmony, I've almost forgotten how to keep myself happy (After college life, I tell you!). On my way to here, this point of time in my life, I somehow managed to collect so many regrets on the way, that now they weigh too much for me to carry and I can't look beyond them. Something or the other crops up every other day, leaving me miserable.

TRIPS

(Not intellectual property rights guys, NO!)

I've never been on a single trip during college. Not a single one. It was one thing or the another and I ended up not going. I thoroughly regret missing them now. 

It has been more than 3 years of my stay in Delhi and there is a HUGE part of the city that I haven't seen. (Huge= most of it!). I don't know what has kept me from going out and exploring the city, when I had the time. It must be fun right?

But what if it is not my idea of fun? No, its not a case of the fox calling the grapes sour because she can't have them. Now that I think of it, perhaps going out, exploring the world is not my idea of enjoyment. There are certain places I'm dying to see but yes, I'll admit that I'm rather a laid back person. More than that, I would love to have good company. Traveling alone for leisure, it seems, is just not my thing. I have experimented a bit with that too. I have gone out to eat alone at times, have traveled alone. But yes, I would rather prefer exploring the city with friends! ( Otherwise, how am I going to have pictures of me posing in front of all those monuments and cool places? Duh! )

And for the lazy person that I am, I would rather spend a holiday sleeping more than usual, trying to finish the book I am currently reading, reduce the HUGE movie deficit I have in my life, think and write. This is just perfect. 

I do want to explore the beautiful city I'm living in, explore the country and explore the world too. I would love to do that. The only thing is, everytime I just manage to screw up my chances of doing so. Regretting that over and over again would do me no good either, so I think I would rather, for now, take the path that leads me to the journey within!