Paid in full

I can't help but use the cliché that though it has just been 2 months since college ended, it seems like ages have passed! 

I can't help going back to all those memories, looking at old photographs and letting the current of nostalgia take me along to those familiar old places. Also, monsoon! Rains make me nostalgic and I was never very fond of this season.

So, this is the account of one of those days in college, the memory of which make me want to laugh and cry at the same time and they will definitely be a part of my autobiography which will be called - "A series of funny yet unfortunate events."
Successfully submitting the term bill on time, I believe, is an achievement. If you have the stamina and patience enough to stand in a long queue, you make it to the bank counter where you deposit your fee to a gentleman who won't share your relief and happiness, he has his own share of sorrows which never seem to go away. The students away from the counter are annoyed by the lack of efficiency of this whole system and the people working in the bank are annoyed by the never ending chatter and chuckles of the students. 

It was the last time I was standing in that queue to deposit my fee. It had to be memorable. It was.

The bank was supposed to open at 10 am. I, being the smart self that I am, decided to go to the bank at 9:45 am to avoid queue and get done with the work as soon as possible. I reached the bank only to be disappointed by the little queue that was already there."Never mind, I can obviously wait for some time." I thought.
10:30 am. The bank was still shut. More students gathered there. There was a long queue behind me. Interestingly, there were more people in front of me as well! Yes, they broke the queue and no, I didn't say anything. I was standing there, judging their insensitivity and rudeness and was hoping that they pay for this, soon. Not to forget all the conversations I heard and over heard while I stood there.
It was perhaps around 11 when the bank opened. The queue moved really slow. I really wished people around would do me favour and shut up. They didn't. The whole process was a real test of patience. 
It was around 12 when my turn came. if you have been in the queue, you know how that moment feels, right? It is a moment of sheer happiness - as if you've won an Olympic race or you're set free from bondage or an end to a period of struggle - that is how it feels.I reached the counter, took out the money and gave it to the gentleman on the counter. I was enjoying this little moment of success when the man at the counter said -

"56 hundred rupee notes? Yahaan to sirf 55 hain!"

I could imagine how the hue might have left my face then. I was puzzled, scared. I couldn't utter a word.

"Theek se count nahi kiye the kya?" He scolded me.

(God knows I counted them multiple times!)

I checked my bag and pockets for that hundred rupee note. But it was not to be found. My vision was now blurry.

All this struggle, for this moment?

I couldn't come to terms with the 100 rupee note that vanished in thin air and took a few moments before I could come to my senses. Then asked people around me if they had extra money on them. Someone from the queue gave me 100 rupees and God knows how thankful I felt to that guy, that unknown guy who helped me!

I gave the 100 rupees to the man at the counter. He counted the money, stamped my term bill. Tore the student's copy. Paused. 


PICKED THE 100 RUPEE NOTE WHICH ACCIDENTALLY SLIPPED FROM HIS HANDS, ON THE FLOOR. 

Smiled a not so friendly smile. And pushed the note and the student's copy of the term bill over the counter to me. Could have passed on a little apology too, but didn't, and I was not expecting it either.  I immediately passed the note to the guy who had helped me.

I came out red in face. My legs had given up after the ordeal which lasted for 2 hours, 15 minutes.

Last term bill submission. It had to be memorable. It was.  

Letting you go

( I would call it a side effect of reading "The Fault in our Stars". Just too many emotions! )


I am learning to let go
Trying, trying hard to do so
To put myself at ease
( Oh, whom am I fooling? )
To see if the saying stands true -
Let go of the ones you love,
If they're meant to be they'll return..

I can't let go
After all
It seems...

I'll try to forget
All the little things
That lit me up like nothing else did
The hug that lasted forever
Conveying more than words could
Apology for everything gone wrong
Or maybe I made it all up
It was never so...

The assurance of an honest listener
The keeper of the deepest secrets
The one who never failed to gift me a smile
I have to learn to let go...

Who would have never let me fall
Nor would let me lose myself
In the maze of cruel sentiments
I would always find my way back to sanity..
Who would carry my burden willingly, with ease
I have to learn to let go..

Who has probably laughed at my foolishness
A million times
Might have found me weird
In ways infinite
Still cared to come after me, make up
After every fight..
I have to learn to let go..

I have seen you go before
And I really don't mind
You never really came back
But,
When were you EVER mine?

It is an absurd arrangement of stars
It is sad that our paths did collide
Only to diverge
And become skewed lines.

I would look back in delight
At the happy little infinity
For the chatter never gave way 
To uncomfortable silence
Because you knew,
And knew it all..

I'll see you go again
A late goodbye
Do you feel the loss?
I was always two steps behind!

It will save so much of me
To end this right here
To make way,
To cut out the fear -
Of neglect, imperfection,
Of unrequited care!
Has become mandatory.

I have held on you for long
Or at least - to the image
Can't blame you for the wrong 
But its really time to break the cage
Of hopes, of illusions.

And yes,
I will
Wait no longer
I will let you go
And with it
a part of me,
Too.

After Uncertainty

Uncertainty went by after teaching me the fact that it is a catalyst in the process of evolution, of change.

Life is definitely changing.. while some things are falling in place slowly, others are falling apart. The lesson has been taught but not yet assimilated. The pangs of restlessness, of despair can still be felt, in varying degrees. Letting go was never easy, would never be probably.. though I would love to prove myself wrong. 
The craving for a balance in every aspect of life, the obsession of the mind with the memories one considers dear..precious, the lament of the loss of all those cherished happy moments, of not being able to recreate them, relive them : nothing makes one lose their mind like these do.

Its sad to watch the things dear to you, which were once essential for your very existence, decay. What makes this painful is that it doesn't happen quickly - it takes its own time and you have to be a mute, helpless witness to this disintegration. You wish it never existed in the first place. You wish to see it die quickly but you are deceived by your own emotions and this thought is enough to well up your eyes.
You wish time goes by fast and lands you to a safer, happier place.

And rarely you come across people you can open up to, who listen and understand without judging.
Life's changing - so are those effortless conversations with friends, which now seem forced, unnatural.

Between all this chaos,these hard lessons, you neglect what you have now. Faith and gratitude are the last things on your mind. The more you chase the things you don't have or the people you want to be with - the more they seem to go away. You don't cease to obsess with the empty spaces and neglect the blessings too. You fail to turn around and notice the people who are still there for you. Amidst this storm, you forget the bliss of stillness.
It seems a big mess ( even sounds like one!)

But then, as uncertainty leads to something as beautiful as evolution, maybe restlessness will lead to peace and decay will lead to a new creation?

I just hope that I'll have the strength to make a difference, a positive one.

To a new, and hopefully - a happier life ahead :)

The pursuit of happyness :)

This part of my life, this right here?
Its called uncertainty.

Uncertainty of the day when the results will come..
As if the results are always pleasant
( They ceased to be so after school!)
Neither am I sure if I have performed well enough to secure admission in Masters.
( After those disastrous entrance exams, chances are slim)

So what do I have now?
A long list of regrets - of things I could have done differently, in a better way
The list seems to have no end. 
I know I am the one to be blamed.
But the burden of regrets is enough and I can't include the latter one in my baggage too.

Uncertainty.
My mind keeps on coming up with a new backup plan, everyday.

It is as good as walking on a trail on a foggy evening. No guiding light. Little hope. 

This uncertainty is almost maddening!

I'm here, waiting for a day ( waiting, again!) when this uncertainty, the regrets and the blames would be eliminated. It sounds like being at ease - it sounds like being happy.

This kind of day or maybe this feeling is what I look forward to.
This is what I pursue - the pursuit of happyness happiness :) 

When I started rhyming - Part 2

Second year of college. Hindi class. The teacher has asked everyone to write a poem by the next day, as an assignment.

As if that was easy.

I came up with this poem, it was written under compulsion. When I read it now I cringe, it is written in what will be called "sanskrit-nishth" hindi, borrowing too many words from Sanskrit and hence making it a little difficult to understand and I believe that if a poem is to leave a deep impact, it shouldn't be like this!
But then, it is what it is - My first sensible poem!

I did not even give it a title. Could not come up with any. (UN)fortunately, this poem also got published in the college magazine - The Stephanian, under the title - "परिवर्तन". I am grateful to the person who came up with this!

and here it is....


तिमिर घुला 

और हुई सुबह 

पर व्योम पर वो स्वर्ण फूल नहीं था,

बादलों की सलाखों के पीछे कैद 

आज़ादी की चाह लिए 

अपने  प्रकाश से दुनिया को रोशन करने की अभिलाषा 

अपने भीतर समेटे ....

पर दिन कुछ ऐसा ही बीत गया 

आसमान जैसे उसकी परतंत्रता  शोक मनाता था 

मूक ही आंसू बहाता था

हवाएं सांत्वना  का भाव लिए,

थपकियाँ देती थी

निराशा!

पर उस योद्धा का संघर्ष भी कहाँ रुकना था?

देवत्व का प्रतिबिम्ब ,

विश्व को तेजोमयी करना उसका संस्कार था.… 

यहां हवाओं ने भी उसका साथ दिया,

ज़ंजीरें टूटी , और खुल गया वो द्वार,

स्वतंत्र था वो प्रकाश पुंज 

और भर गए प्रकृति में रंग 

अपने कर्त्तव्य को पूरा करने का आनंद ही कुछ और था 

ये जाना उसने 

कि अंधकार का आना 

स्वाभाविक तो था 

पर उसे अस्त होना था,

सिर्फ फिर से उदित होने के लिए।