Introspection

5 more days and I'll begin my second stint at Delhi. Things are going to be different. Having experienced a string of failures before, prospects of failing again scare me. A lot. But not so much so that I give up before trying again, definitely not.

The living conditions are going to be different. I knew, someday I will miss residence, inspite of dirty loos and the infamous mess food. Well, I guess it is pretty normal to miss the place where you spent three years with an amazing bunch of people and have so many memories and moments worth revisiting. A part of me also tells me that I have to move on and carve my way to better things, a way that leads me to other places in life. There is so much to be done, and wallowing in a pool of attachment will lead me nowhere. So much has to be compensated for, so many flaws have to be worked upon, many doubts to be dealt with. Its a climb which is only going to get steeper, till I reach the summit. The most difficult ones to conquer are the summits within, those illusions of inability and helplessness, the feeling that you have lost control over your own life. But then, they are illusions. They are hills which might seem intimidating, but its upto you if you want to circumvent them, climb them or make a way through them. 

I have to confront my fears too. It is really funny how all the things I try to run away from, the things I try to avoid just have a way of popping up again and again in my life - maths, metro rides, history- things I am bad at, things that scare me are all there for me to deal with. Also, those bothersome "What if?" questions. I don't even want to get started on them!

But what is this distress for? Is it not my duty, an obligation that I do something in my life, with my life? 
I don't really know. At times, I feel exhausted, to the extent that I feel depraved of the energy to even dream, to think of something worth doing, worth achieving, worth devoting my life to. I think, I over think, but fail to see the road ahead. A map is totally out of question when I can't even figure out where the path under my feet is going to take me or if it is there in the first place. Some place inside my head, in some dusty neglected corner, I know there is a book of my lofty dreams and the things I want to do to bring about a positive change, to be remembered dearly, lovingly after I am gone - I wrote it myself! But the illusion of inability becomes so overpowering and crippling that I can't even gather enough courage to reach out to it, wipe away the dust and live by every word. Over time, the world does that to you, right? It saps out hope and energy out of you.

When you are supposed to confirm to so many ideas, ways of life, to opinions of others on daily basis and you are not even independent to think for yourself - for your actions have consequences, which are bound to affect people around you.. You tend to forget yourself. You try talking to yourself, you try listening to who you are, what are your passions and what is it that you want to do and don't get a reply. The only way out is to give in, to confirm, to walk on a path that's not your own. You have to start, else you have the fear of being trampled, left behind or being run over. Not to forget the weight of hopes and expectations that just keeps increasing.

During the course of these two months, I was trying to figure out who I am, what I am capable of, what my purpose is and what should I do. The choices we make are important. Our life reflects the choices we have made so far. So this period of self searching was difficult and exhausting when no answer came. But then someone told me ( Rahul Jain, Thank you! :D ), I need not waste my time looking for all the answers. It is okay not to know all of them. I can take one step at a time. I can always choose what I want to do, in this very moment that I have. I liked the idea, not because a friend said so and I was up for confirming to anything that is coming my way but because I found this idea very empowering. This is the moment where I can act, where I have control over things. This is my moment and life is nothing but a series of these moments - like pearls on a string come together to be a necklace, moments come together to be life.

I just hope I stick to this idea ( or maybe someday find a better one ) and make the best of the moments to come.

More than that, I really hope that someday I'll look back to this and will be able to laugh at myself. That I would have conquered the tall summits and these worries would seem short.

And I would have made a difference, a positive one :)

Unsettled in a new city

Wrote this as an entry for the fourth volume of the Helter Skelter magazine, for the given visual cue - the picture. Though it didn't get selected, it is special enough to find a place here :)

Leaving behind the place called home

Unsettled in a new city

Two years gone by

The room occupied

Though very much tried

Is still a makeshift

Could not uplift

To a place the heart could call

its own

(The walls bear witness to this effort, to all)

The creased sheets,

Folded between the layers

Are the monotonous tales of daily toil

The pillow fibres

Seeped down beneath them are

The tears of joy, of sorrow, sweat

Tears of broken dreams, lost hopes

Finding happiness out of the blue

Of promises kept and broken

Of devastation expectations bring to you

Seek under the covers

And you might find

Dreams in slumber

Bartered with nightmares in troubled sleep

From time to time

Leaving the creases more intense.

The room –

A workshop - of mending the broken, starting from scratch

A battlefield – of devising new plans

A carnival- of people who care and laughter

A mortuary- of all that lives no longer

The very air speaks of the denizen dreamer-

The window through which it flows- pretty-

Overlooking the world outside

A venue of inspiration

The stars also look after her by the night

After all, she is not alone,

Unsettled in the new city.

Waking up to the nostalgia

That a morning brings

Can’t be complacent, lax or still

Have to conquer the self, have to conquer the world

No looking back.

Postponing to a holiday-

The straightening of folds

Of stories to be told

Of being

Unsettled in a new city.

Of friendships lost and found

Communication, with self and others, forms a vital part of anyone's life. It is indeed a blessing, to be able to speak your heart out to a person without the fear of being judged, with the assurance that she/ he is there to be a part of your celebrations and your support in your woes. You call them friends. We start being friends with people even before we could define 'a friend' or 'friendship' using fancy words or multi-layered definitions, at times even before we could spell it. It comes so naturally to us and it seems nothing short of magical to me - how one day you find something, anything common with a stranger, a stranger who is in some manner connected to you and there! You have a friend!

Over time we meet so many people, some become our friends and remain with us while we lose some through our journey of life. The latter experience is never pleasant but it is only beneficial to accept that their part in our lives are over and it is better to forgive and forget.

I was blessed enough to have many friends throughout my life and I lost some too - to time, to distances, to frivolity.

School was great. I made friends really easily. No one really gave a thought to the complexities associated with this word. You spent time with people with whom you liked spending time with. As simple as that. You played with your friends, helped them with homework when they fell sick, danced with them, participated in school activities with them, giggled without reason in class with them, have been punished together and never hesitated to go to their house and you loved their family too. You fought with them too, but it never lasted more than a day. This innocence was beautiful.

I changed places. Changed schools and leaving a place and your friends behind was never easy. What's funny is that they were soon replaced with new friends and it seemed ok then. As I grew up, friends became more difficult to find. No, I am not talking about classmates who sweet-talked to you, for their motives and then talked ill about you behind your back and still claimed to be your friends. They were in abundance, everywhere. Sadly, I realised this fact the tough way. But I'm glad I learnt my lesson.

After class 10th, streams changed too. None of my friends opted for humanities. But they kept in touch. Period. And I found more friends for the rest of my time in school.

A bigger change was yet to come. College. I was supposed to stay away from home. Survival on your own was neither possible, nor necessary. I had never been forced before to share a space with so many strangers, some of them later became my friends. The change was huge and making friends was difficult than ever before. Not to forget that I was losing my school friends who thought that I had 'changed' after coming to Delhi. ( I had no other option but to change and adapt, you idiot-who-was-still-enjoying-the-luxuries-of-home! Only if you could have been a little patient!). I lost friends over petty fights. Nothing seemed to mend those broken friendships. Or maybe it was just for the good. The Universe had its way of taking away people from your lives and replacing them with better ones. It is a never ending scheme I guess. I really never regretted losing my school friends, I hardly talk to any of them. I don't feel the loss because college made me meet so many amazing people!  

I found a friend in my room mate and because of her I met so many other people, who became friends. I found friends in my residence block, other blocks - my seniors, my batch mates, my classmates, juniors.

I found friends who could assess how I was feeling just by the way I talked. I had friends with whom I went out for movies and eat-outs. There were friends in residence I could approach and ask for food at 1 am. There were friends who took care of me when I was sick. There were friends who kept their rooms so organised that I just went to their room to feel at home. There were friends who were ready to help me anyway possible. There were friends with whom the mess food became bearable. Who just smiled at me whenever they saw me in the corridors. There were friends who were like my family. There were friends with whom I could never run out of things to talk about. The ones I danced like crazy with. The ones I sang mushy songs with. There were friends who hugged me when I felt bad. Who fought with me first and became my friends later. There were friends I wish I knew a little longer. Friends who listened to me and supported me, saw me cry during fests ( and otherwise), made me laugh, inspired me to do more and picked me up when I failed. And then, there were friends, whom I loved a lot and could do anything possible for them.

(Also, there were people I just wanted to punch in the face. I tried turning them into friends but it was useless.)

I miss college not just for the beautiful lawns or the beautiful red brick building, I miss it more for the people I met there! Who made the college a beautiful memory, something I would always want to visit again.

But then recently, I was posed with a question, rather a choice, of picking certain people as my friends and leaving the others, just so that no one complaints of being ignored.

Could I have ever done that?

Never.

I learnt something from everyone I met. They are like a part of my memory, a part of me. I could choose the people I spend more time with, choose who matters to me more, has more of my attention and choose who is closer to me, but I can't let anyone go. I can't imagine college with just one set of people and never meeting, never getting to know others. In fact, surprisingly enough, I always found friends at the times when I needed them. I never experienced any clash as such, I never really had to choose between friends. Neither would I want to.

But I do realise, that people have limited time and they can't be everywhere. I might feel bad at times - the people I give my time might not be able to do the same for me. Letting go friends is really difficult, but sometimes its the only option we have left with and the best one too. "Nobody is infallible, but then nobody is indispensable either."
I'll trust the scheme of the Universe for now and hope that I'll have friends who will stay so that I don't have to let go, again.

Tutorial trials

Tutorials. 

I still get goosebumps when I think of some of the tutorials I attended during college. I dreaded them, especially political science tutorials. I had given up on economics tutorials by the time I reached second semester. No one seemed very happy with my questions and I consider it a mistake that stopped asking them altogether. English tutorials were more or less comfortable. I remember that some time during second year, we were supposed to give a presentation in Contemporary India tutes. My turn came, but I had to wait for a month for it. I even attended extra CI tutes, but my internal assessment at the end of semester still said that I had missed one. Tutorials have really mocked me throughout college and I chose to laugh along.

The discipline of political science was new to me. Not that I had no idea about it, but still. I could never feel confident about it and for that matter, I never felt confident about any subject in college except languages. It was just once when I answered a question posed by my professor in class during the first few days of the first semester and it was the end of it. My effort and ability switch went off but his expectation switch didn't and "I don't know" became my usual response. If you know me, you know how frustrating it was and if you don't, let me tell you - it was frustrating. And disheartening. Tutorials were worse. Whenever I didn't read the complete reading ( yes, I admit, my fault) the reading was discussed. But whenever I did, it wasn't discussed or the tutorial didn't happen! No coincidences, this always happened. Always.
In fact, I was confident enough to say this before tutes - " Aaj maine reading padhi hai, aaj tute nahi hoga." And it turned out to be true.

And this particular incident needs a special mention. This :

A night before political science tutorial sometime in second year. When you have a record like me you are bound to be nervous. I really wanted to finish the reading and was ready to bunk sleep too. But I was sleepy.
I looked around the room. A can of red bull. Hmm, maybe I could use some help. It didn't belong to me though. It was Anoothi's ( Hi Anoothiiiiii!! :D ). She would not drink it anyway, I thought. Dilemma isn't enough to describe this situation - it was a clear cut case of 'Dharm-sankat'. Unfortunately, I made the wrong choice. I took the can and promised that I'll replace it as soon as possible. I did that once in a blue moon with chocolates too, took and replaced them. I once accidentally broke her scale and quietly replaced it too and she never found out- until now off course. Or maybe she noticed and very lovingly ignored them. 
I emptied the contents of the can. It tasted like cough syrup. To my horror, it had the same effect as a cough syrup and I dozed off. Without completing the reading.
I woke up next day and knew what the day had for me in store - a bad tutorial. And so it happened. I came back to my room and slept some more to get over it.

It didn't end here.

Days passed and somehow I didn't get a chance to replace it. And then came Harmony. Scavenger Hunt. I participated, so did Anoothi. Different teams. 

A thing on the list read : A can of red bull.

Our room. We are trying to look for things and then she asked -
" I can't find the red bull can, have you seen it?"

Moments of awkward silence.

"I drank it."

More moments of awkward silence.
I didn't have the courage to look up to her and see her expressions. It was bad. 
Somehow I never got a chance to replace it, it was useless. But I tried to compensate for it in other ways and I believe that I was forgiven and the matter forgotten.

By the time second year ended, I had one decent political science tutorial - the last one of the year. I can still not boast of a good tutorial, never had one throughout 3 years, and my fear never went away but I learnt to laugh about it, so it was more or less okay.      

ALARMed! :D

5th August 2014
12:11 am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OnnDqH6Wj8


As I hear this song now, I am trying hard to stifle my laughter because one, everyone around me is asleep and two no one would consider me sane while I laugh at this song which is far from funny. To me, it brings back a memory...

7th or 8th March 2014
St. Stephen's College
Political Science class

Our professor informed us about the Eighth Sir John Crawford Memorial lecture which was going to happen on 10th March at the Australian embassy. At first, I was hesitant about attending it, thinking I might not make it to residence within curfew time after attending the lecture. Also, I'll admit honestly and shamelessly, a lecture about Australian economy did not interest me much. But then I looked beyond these two perspectives. I could just go there, WITH MY FRIENDS, have a good time on my way to embassy and back and have the opportunity to listen to the lecture too! Brilliant! 
I signed up for it.

10th March 2014

One of my friends suggested that I should bunk the memorial lecture and go watch Queen instead ( Hi, Nivedita!!! :D ). Sounded like a good deal, but I chose to stick to the earlier plan. The bunch of people going for the lecture were supposed to report at the main gate of college at 4 pm. 4 pm - Main gate- No bus- no other soul. After about 30 minutes, many phone calls to friends and numerous trips to Rudra gate and the photocopy shop ( to get melody, off course!) , the bus was finally there and we were ready to go.
At first, everyone chose to continue conversations among their own groups ( which was very different from how the trip ended). Apart from talking, I did my favourite thing to do on a bus journey - to look outside from the window. I don't think that this fact needs a mention that how Delhi is an amalgam. An amalgam of shabby corners and rich quarters. Of struggle for sustenance and ease of luxury. The view from the window just reinforced this fact.
We reached the embassy well before time and had to wait outside for a while. We were, if I may say, a badass bunch of people on their own. The students of other colleges were accompanied by their teachers. 
We went inside. The setup looked more than of a fancy reception party than of a lecture on Australia's economy. We took our seats and planned our attack on food as soon as the lecture was to get over. 
Before the lecture began, we were advised to switch off our phones. My phone's battery was almost dead and I switched it off, knowing that its battery will be exhausted by the time I'll leave and it will be useless.

( Phone : You think I'm useless? I'll avenge it! )

I don't remember who the lecturer was. He was hardly audible. Though I tried hard to concentrate, it didn't work. The speech was interrupted by a 'witty' peacock from time to time. It was amusing. 
Not as amusing as what was to happen.

Suddenly, my phone started crying out and telling the world "how good it was feeling."  ( Refer : the song mentioned in the beginning.) It was my dinner time alarm. ( Yes, I am pretty weird. I hate being late. I have multiple alarms ringing on my phone throughout the day.) How bad was it? Well, number one,the speaker was very 'soft spoken'. Number two, my alarm was loud because alarms are supposed to be loud! Number three, because I was so embarrassed and nervous, it took some time before I could actually take out my phone and switch off my evil alarm. My phone had its sweet revenge. I could hardly look up to the speaker now for all the unwanted attention that I attracted. My friends sitting near me had a hard time controlling their laughter and made up their minds to tease me about this incident till the end of time.
The lecture ended. I was in awe of people who could come up with meaningful queries when I had a hard time focusing on the lecture- but then, I had my reason! The witty peacock confirmed the ending, cooing exactly at the time when the speaker finished. We couldn't attack the food, rather stood in a queue patiently and politely and waited for our turn. The food was good. So good, that people were lost in its taste. So lost that they stood in the open while enjoying themselves while it started raining and people were running for shelter.
Soon it was time to leave. Our bunch came together again, we had a head count and we left the venue. Till the time we were waiting for our "Neelam" bus, we had a photo clicked. (As if I am ever going to forget that evening.) 
The journey back residence was different. We played Antakshari and it was SO much fun! Very different from how we had started. I liked the change. We reached safely and called it a day.


I don't remember the speaker. I don't remember what he talked about. Even after the alarm incident, I can still say that I had my share of good feelings that day! :D