To ugly is to human?

I never found myself pretty, though I would like to believe that I am beautiful, in an unconventional manner, which has nothing to do with the way I look and everything to do with what I am - what I am as a person and you just can't reach that beautiful person if you have already tagged me on the basis of appearance. Finding that person, knowing her, requires patience, a lot of patience and a lot of time.

Really, I don't think I am pretty or maybe before I could understand what it is to "look" pretty, I was given a certain image, a certain definition of the word to consume, and I could never fit in.

The vessel in which my soul moves is far from perfect and if I start listing the flaws, I may run out of words.

"Oh, you ARE pretty! You just need to dress up properly, maybe a little make up will do. You just don't pay attention to your looks. They are important. That is probably why, you never had a boyfriend!"

( Really? Love me for the comfy-in-trackpants-girl that I am or don't love me at all :P)
Okay, I know the world is shallow and rarely someone will stop to look beyond the outer layer. Its ok. I can wait.

It only happens in reel life and not real life and I'm being too idealistic?
Who knows? I might as well try! 

It got worse when I decided to get my hair cut short (very short) recently...

Friend : You don't look like a girl. Someone will actually think you are a guy and you're traveling in the women's coach of metro! *giggle*

(Ok, I think I'm getting what you are trying to say)

Me : Umm.. Earrings? These dangling earrings?

Friend : Who would notice the earrings? *giggle*

(Ok, now I know what you're trying to say.)

Me : Is it funny?

Friend : Of course, don't you find it funny, Moureena! It is funny! *giggle*

Me : I don't think so.

Friend : Sorry *giggle giggle giggle*

(That not so honest apology probably did more harm than the joke itself)

A brief silence, and then more giggles follow.

Me : Now what?

Friend : Oh I just remembered your episodes of anger during college days.

( Yes, those instances when I chose to speak out my mind, to tell that what you did hurt me, to tell that what you did wasn't acceptable- all this is definitely comic, something that should be laughed at. Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches!)

So there are some standards of being a girl that I don't qualify. Also, expressing your emotions, to your friends, isn't something you should do, you'll probably be laughed at, even months or years later.

That's all you want to experience at the end of a tiring day, isn't it?

Honestly, except some instances, I am very comfortable with however I look- whether the appearance is feminine enough or not. I am comfortable with the imperfections ( Those dark circles? Those are nothing short of medals & I'm proud of them! I earned those, trading my sleep and on a few occasions- tears for sleepless nights, when I worked or read to my heart's content! )

For the people who think the outer cover is imperfect, ugly.. They should not at all try to look beyond, because what lies there is worse. Beyond the skin, rest the imperfections which even scare me and set me in a frenzy to look for help, to find solutions. It is a place where continuous analysis of my past, present and future actions goes on. It is where my fears run amok. It is where the hesitation hides, it is where the confidence drowns. It is where hopes and faith choke and crumble. It is where the thoughts grumble. It is the favourite haunt of regrets. A place where is pain that expectations beget. Where pragmatism ridicules the dreams, where the need of affection screams. Where unwarranted attachment, dependence and selfishness reside.
It is a continuous tussle between the positive and the negative, between overcoming and giving up.It is a dark, ugly place very few people are familiar with.
Behind the veil of spring, it is a cold desert where it rains everyday. 

And still, in its entirety, it is a part of me. It is something I live with, something I encounter everyday. Something that pushes me to build myself, that teaches me to fight.

If to err is to human, is being imperfect, being ugly human too?

I would like to believe so. All this ugliness, this imperfection, this tussle makes me what I am. 

It makes me human and I'm learning to accept myself, as a whole,too.