The Cure for Sadness

I turned to books
Drowned and escaped,
I turned myself into one
To be read by anyone who comes in kindness, without judgement
Or even vice-versa

I turned outwards
Absorbing the sun, letting it seep down my pores
Closed my eyes and felt the breeze against me
Traced the path of leaves as they left the branches, twirled and gently set foot on the ground
Saw the flowers smiling, noticed them more
Even tried letting go of my disdain for rain
(It doesn't make me as gloomy now)

I turned inwards
I thought and thought
and thought some more
Where did I leave trust? Where did it leave me?
When did self doubt creep in and formed my first skin?
Where did it begin, when does it end?
Is it the person or the idea I'm in love with?
Is it worth mulling over?

I turned to silence
I stayed still
On that hot summer afternoon
The whirring of fan, loose hair strands 
Whirling like dervishes
The rise and fall of my breath
Were the only signs of life

I turned to noise
Giving audience to people unknown far away
Filling silences with sounds
And overdoing it all
Buried myself willingly under the information overload

I ran - literally and metaphorically
Even in my dreams!
But there was only so far I could go
From the mounds of my failed endeavours

I turned to optimism
But I could not find it in myself
To sugarcoat an ending
My hands quivered 
To spill out words
Like "acceptance" and "learning"
I chose to settle for my truth

I couldn't find the cure to sadness
Now I let it haunt me sometimes.