Things I want to tell myself

Things I want to tell myself/yell at myself/ Things I want to tell you - in case you feel the same 

So, here we are. Again.

A phase that I thought I had left behind. But, alas!

I don't know what the 'lessons' in these miseries are, or if there are any lessons at all. I call bullshit on this "things repeat so you can learn from them" trope. I just can't seem to put my finger on whatever lessons there are, if any. Maybe all of this just is.

Do you deserve all this? No.

But the world isn't fair and just and people don't always get what they deserve.

It will get better though!

Am I sure about that? No.

Can it, by any chance, get worse? Of course.

But I would like you to not go through the trouble twice. Don't live the possibility of a worse future in the present, in anticipation. It will always be different from what you imagine it would be like.

You are better than what you give yourself credit for (This I am sure about). You will figure something out - once you stop beating yourself up for all the things you can't do or couldn't do in the past, stop self sabotaging and probably start believing in yourself a little more.

I know you are tired. I know all of this is overwhelming and more often than not, seems absolutely pointless. But hang in there, what if the breakthrough is just around the corner? [Again, I am not certain, but words are all I am left with, that make me get by, alongwith a little help from my friends :)]. Also, I think you put just too much pressure on yourself. Your goals and ambitions are not all of your life and the lack of them, and failures shouldn't mean the end of it. I know this is a burden you've carried long. I know that there is a possibility that you might now have an unhealthy attachment to it. You don't have to carry it forever. It's okay. You are still worthy nonetheless - in your achievements big and small or even when you feel there are none at all.

And for the love of all things good - please stop keeping count of all the exams that you did not clear - those were the times when you made an effort, stood up even after being knocked down. It takes immense courage to keep trying like you did - and you should give yourself credit for that. I know the world will always put achievement over any sort of effort. Achievements will always be celebrated, failures will always be isolating, guilt inducing, shameful. At least you got to have your own back. At least you got to know that you tried, and it was enough. It was enough. You did well and I am proud of you. You deserve good things, you deserve that your hard work bears fruit, you deserve success and you will find it. And it will find you.

What else do I say? I don't think any amount of talking will stop you from wearing your heart on your sleeve and tossing it without a second thought. So, okay - go fall head over heels for people, be the last one to retreat when they are gone, get hurt. But while it lasts, be light headed and giddy with happiness, smile to yourself remembering the secrets that only you know, put the object of your affection on the pedestal, make them a shrine, offer them poetry. Think they are the one, imagine the what ifs and only ifs - that would've made up for a perfect life. Think that they deserve the best in this life and beyond - keep at that even when it is all over.

You know what? I don't really mind you being reckless like this. Truth be told - I think I like you being like this. Of course, there will always be the risk of getting hurt, but letting feelings hit you with their full force and standing there to welcome them with your arms and heart wide open - it is something paralleled by few things. At least you are not half-assing your feelings - what is the fun in that! I like that you are not calculative when it comes to matters of the heart. I mean, it would be easier if you take your brain along sometimes and not just use it to rationalise the aftermath. But you do you - dive head first, learn to swim later! 

I can't tell you that there is 'The One' or 'The Soulmate' waiting for you or whatever notions that have been shoved down our collective throats since the beginning of time. I just hope, after all this trial and error (mostly errors) of yours, you will find someone who would like to dive head first and swim to the other side with you. You deserve to be loved.

Also, shit happens and sometimes, it is not your fault. Hell, I am going to go ahead and say that a lot of it is not. You don't need to carry all of that guilt around. You can't fix other people, you can't fix their lives, can't solve their issues for them - as much as you want to. It is not for you to do and you don't have to deem yourself responsible. It is their share of work. I know they might be suffering and in turn, you might be too - but sometimes, it is what it is. All you can do is accept and move on.

Again, I am no fortune teller. I won't guarantee a bright and rosy future. But let me tell you, it will be better - or you will be stronger. You will be okay.

Since words are all I have :)