[ Free writing : Fear ]

 I confront it as I write.

I am guided by it, day in and out. They say acknowledging a problem is the first step towards a solution. (They was me in my positive psychology classes).

But I am taking the first step. I am collecting fear from all my pores, it's dwelling in my chest, I feel a little out of breath, but I am trying. It won't be all drained out in one go, I know, but I am trying.

Drawing shaky breaths but I let a step fall after a step, a word after a word.

Am I drawing near or going far? 

I don't know, but I am trying.

Gulping down tears, trembling fingers as I write. But I am trying.

Head is throbbing, uneasily heavy, flanks going cold and tingly. But I am trying. 

I'll get to the point, I swear, before my brain exhausts itself with all I want to make sense of and shuts itself out. Please be patient with me, I am trying.

The truth is, I am scared, very. Of nothing in particular, of everything. Fear manages to catch me off guard, in the meanest of ways. I wasn't afraid of the dark, I am tricked by its shadows now. It creeps up and catches up with me in my sleep, in my nightmares. Where do I go from there? There's nowhere to hide, no respite, no refuge.

But I am trying.

You don't expect me to lay bare all my fears, do you? I am just taking the first step. I won't dump that on you. Yet. We barely know each other and I am a stranger to myself. And honestly, I can't even name all of them, Yet. 

But I am trying. 

To be brave, move up, move past, make peace, assimilate.

I am trying.