Introspection

5 more days and I'll begin my second stint at Delhi. Things are going to be different. Having experienced a string of failures before, prospects of failing again scare me. A lot. But not so much so that I give up before trying again, definitely not.

The living conditions are going to be different. I knew, someday I will miss residence, inspite of dirty loos and the infamous mess food. Well, I guess it is pretty normal to miss the place where you spent three years with an amazing bunch of people and have so many memories and moments worth revisiting. A part of me also tells me that I have to move on and carve my way to better things, a way that leads me to other places in life. There is so much to be done, and wallowing in a pool of attachment will lead me nowhere. So much has to be compensated for, so many flaws have to be worked upon, many doubts to be dealt with. Its a climb which is only going to get steeper, till I reach the summit. The most difficult ones to conquer are the summits within, those illusions of inability and helplessness, the feeling that you have lost control over your own life. But then, they are illusions. They are hills which might seem intimidating, but its upto you if you want to circumvent them, climb them or make a way through them. 

I have to confront my fears too. It is really funny how all the things I try to run away from, the things I try to avoid just have a way of popping up again and again in my life - maths, metro rides, history- things I am bad at, things that scare me are all there for me to deal with. Also, those bothersome "What if?" questions. I don't even want to get started on them!

But what is this distress for? Is it not my duty, an obligation that I do something in my life, with my life? 
I don't really know. At times, I feel exhausted, to the extent that I feel depraved of the energy to even dream, to think of something worth doing, worth achieving, worth devoting my life to. I think, I over think, but fail to see the road ahead. A map is totally out of question when I can't even figure out where the path under my feet is going to take me or if it is there in the first place. Some place inside my head, in some dusty neglected corner, I know there is a book of my lofty dreams and the things I want to do to bring about a positive change, to be remembered dearly, lovingly after I am gone - I wrote it myself! But the illusion of inability becomes so overpowering and crippling that I can't even gather enough courage to reach out to it, wipe away the dust and live by every word. Over time, the world does that to you, right? It saps out hope and energy out of you.

When you are supposed to confirm to so many ideas, ways of life, to opinions of others on daily basis and you are not even independent to think for yourself - for your actions have consequences, which are bound to affect people around you.. You tend to forget yourself. You try talking to yourself, you try listening to who you are, what are your passions and what is it that you want to do and don't get a reply. The only way out is to give in, to confirm, to walk on a path that's not your own. You have to start, else you have the fear of being trampled, left behind or being run over. Not to forget the weight of hopes and expectations that just keeps increasing.

During the course of these two months, I was trying to figure out who I am, what I am capable of, what my purpose is and what should I do. The choices we make are important. Our life reflects the choices we have made so far. So this period of self searching was difficult and exhausting when no answer came. But then someone told me ( Rahul Jain, Thank you! :D ), I need not waste my time looking for all the answers. It is okay not to know all of them. I can take one step at a time. I can always choose what I want to do, in this very moment that I have. I liked the idea, not because a friend said so and I was up for confirming to anything that is coming my way but because I found this idea very empowering. This is the moment where I can act, where I have control over things. This is my moment and life is nothing but a series of these moments - like pearls on a string come together to be a necklace, moments come together to be life.

I just hope I stick to this idea ( or maybe someday find a better one ) and make the best of the moments to come.

More than that, I really hope that someday I'll look back to this and will be able to laugh at myself. That I would have conquered the tall summits and these worries would seem short.

And I would have made a difference, a positive one :)